Sorry, Scott Baio

When I was young, well, first off, I was adorable. Let’s just get that out of the way right here and now. I was also smart, creative and confident. But I was kind of anxious. I had trouble with my stomach from this anxiety and had what I now know were some sort of minor panic attacks in movie theatres if the film being shown involved animals. But my cinematic animal issues are a post for another time. We’ve gotten horribly off track already here people and we haven’t even begun so I’m going to have to ask you to focus, please. The point is, even though I had a good childhood and really didn’t want for much of anything, I was a tad tense, always holding my breath and waiting for something to happen. Maybe it was a mantra of sorts then, this thing I used to say. Whether it was a discussion of something small like having macaroni and cheese for dinner or something big like turning 10, I would often complete my thought with the words “…and then we will be very happy”.

Oh, I know where you think this is going; that I’m still waiting to be happy and I still have trouble breathing when animals are in danger in movies. But only one of those things is true. I’m not anywhere near as anxious as I used to be and I have a very blessed life filled with people who love me and a community that embraces me, so screw you and your lust for tales of tragedy! But I will admit that there is still this sense of waiting. Like there is something around the corner that will change everything. I’ll land that perfect role and my career will take off. I’ll write a totally genius sentence one day and it will be like uncorking a wine bottle of brilliance that will just continue to pour out poignant hilarity. (That clearly was not the sentence.) I’ll wake up one morning and realize, “Oh! That’s how people save money!” And then I will buy my own theatre and start wearing tights that don’t have holes in the toes and have really pretty hair and…then we will be very happy!

But the older I get, the less I see those things that I’d always figured were just around the corner coming to fruition. Which is okay. It really is. I mean, I thought I was going to marry Scott Baio by the time I was 20. Not only am I much happier with my amazing wife but, seriously, have you seen Scott Baio lately? Still, I often feel like I’m waiting for some kind of external force to change something in my life and make me happier rather than just doing what I need to do for myself. It’s usually related to this fantasy I have of finding more time to focus on my artistic endeavours. Because if I only had the time to do the things I long to do creatively! But I’ve told myself that story for so long now, I’m not even really sure what it is that would make me happiest anymore in terms of art. And so, instead, I hold my breath, and I wait, and I make excuses to myself. I’m too busy. There are more important things to take care of. I’ll get to it tomorrow. But I don’t.

I’m someone who needs a reason to create. When I was with 30 Helens and The Crawford Twins, I would write material because other people were depending on material being written. Both of my one-person shows were created because I tricked myself–I went ahead and booked the gigs in advance and then scrambled to write the shows. So sneaky. I’m just not one of those people (I think you call them artists?) who actually loves the process of creation. I really love the process of sharing what I have created. Which is difficult to do when you’re creating fuck all.

So this is me being sneaky again. I’m starting this blog so that I’ll have a place to report to. Graham Clark told me I have to write something here every day but Graham recently wrote a blog post about training for the Sun Run in which he stayed in bed rather than training for the Sun Run so, frankly, he can go eat his hat. I’m going to write here as often as I can and I’m going to hope that, through the act of having a place to put stuff, I’ll end up finding more stuff to put here. I’m going to use this as a place to record some stuff I’ve been thinking about and I’m going to share bits and pieces of stuff that might, who knows, maybe end up on stage some day. There will be stuff about cats, kids, comedy, acting, family, adoption, death and probably more stuff about cats. If you want to read it, please do. If you want to comment, be my guest. If you want to introduce me to Scott Baio, listen, I’m over him so no thanks.

I’ve titled my blog And Then We Will Be Very Happy to remind myself not to wait. Here we go.


2 comments on “Sorry, Scott Baio

  1. “I really love the process of sharing what I have created. Which is difficult to do when you’re creating fuck all.” = YES! Me in a nutshell.

  2. Well, now a whole bunch of people are very happy, because we were holding our breath (breaths?) waiting for you to have a blog so we could read all your hilarity and insights in one place! So thank you.

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